Breasties! Then & Now

Friends come to us at the most unexpected times and this friendship is no different. We met in the chemo room last year and soon realized we had much in common. Lorena, a spitfire in her own right, resonated with me from the second we met across the room, tethered to our chemo chairs and poles. Her spirit came across loud and strong! She had an obvious fire in her belly with her cancer-picked-the-wrong-girl attitude and an immediate bond was formed.

We have the exact-same line-up of surgeons and oncologists down to our second opinion docs. She's a repeat offender with breast cancer like me (her 2 rounds, me 3) and we both speak other languages. Most importantly, I knew that we both shared the gonna-have-a-knockdown-with-cancer mentality.

So, when we reconnected recently outside of the chemo room for coffee, we dove right in where we left off (minus the chemo poles!) a year ago. First order of business, our hair! I'm sure people in the coffee shop couldn't figure out why two gals hugged each other and then immediately started touching each other's heads. "Yours is so soft!" "Mine grew in coarse." "Mine grew in curly." "Mine sticks up!" "Mine has grey now." Laughing through it all, we sat down and were off and running. I even noticed that 3 different people sat down next to us but then quickly changed tables. We didn't care. We both looked at all three of them and then quickly returned to our own world and chatter.

In one hour, we managed to chitchat about several items on our mental agenda. Minus a few chemo-brain moments on both our sides, we jabbered on about our new energy levels (or lack thereof), nutrition, our achy joints from meds, combating fatigue, newly diagnosed breasties and the like. But mostly, we just connected about life, our immense gratitude to be alive and kickin' and how we need a damn cure for this disease. We talked about how we both know the statistics looming over our heads but how we both have chosen to ignore them.

The takeaway was that I walked away from my breastie-coffee-date feeling more like myself again having connected with my sister from another mister. Having chatted it up openly and honestly about how we're truly feeling without judgement and minimizing from anyone else really elevated me. We didn't complain, we simply spoke about the facts and how we'll keep moving forward in gratitude. In a nutshell, we collectively smiled with thankfulness for each and every day.

So, thanks to Lorena for your kick-a$$ attitude, your contagious rockin' spirit and for just being you. Note to self, must have more coffee dates with you!

Lastly, thank you cancer for this friendship; a definite silver lining with round 3!

Let's Talk Tamoxifen!

Amid all of the humor and poking fun at breast cancer that I have thoroughly enjoyed, this is one aspect of the aftermath that I personally, don't find humorous at all. In fact, I often find myself between a rock and a hard place when it comes to the drug that is keeping me alive and free of future breast cancers. Between the side effects and the long list of pharmaceutical interactions, it's an ongoing balance of emotions based upon my daily physical wellness. No benedryl, no pineapple (which I just ate for breakfast this morning!) and no antidepressants. Seriously? Because that's exactly what one needs in this situation. I mean, as if I don't read labels enough, now I need to look at what foods, meds and herbs that contain estrogen.

And here's something that I know we can all relate to, those horrible commercials about meds that will help you sleep, lose weight, enhance your mood, etc. BUT, the 'Oh by the way' disclosures (insert your best commercial voice-over here) can really mess with your head... Tamoxifen may cause cancer of the uterus, strokes and blood clots in the lungs or legs. These conditions may be serious or fatal so be sure to seek immediate medical attention if you develop symptoms such as weakness on one side of the body, slurred speech, sudden vision changes, confusion, shortness of breath, chest pain or calf pain and swelling.

Really? First let me say that I have my dad's calves which have always been a little on the larger size. I also lose my breath walking up stairs and yes, my vision has definitely changed. As for the confusion, uh, helllooo, I had chemo! We're all confused now - but, that's a separate blog post. And as for the long list of side effects that have me searching the internet well into the night, I get it. Hot flashes - check. Weight gain - check (I like to call it the 'Tamoxifen 30!') Fatigue - check. Hair loss - check. Bone ache - check. Migraines - check.

But my point is this - many of us are taking this daily drug for at least 10 years, if not a lifetime, that may very well be a life-saver. So, there's got to be an emotional solution to my daily potion of life-saving medication. I've got to befriend my little white pills, be grateful that I even have the opportunity to take a substance that keeps me upright and above ground. So, gratitude it is.

I am truly grateful for my Tamoxifen, I am grateful that I can get up each and every day and function, I am grateful that my side effects are not debilitating, and I am grateful that I have other meds to counterbalance the extreme side effects when they hit me hard. Pure and simple, I am just so grateful.

So, in a word, 'thanks' Tamoxifen.

Throwback Thursday: Tick! Tock!

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once"

That's for damn sure! And after clocking in nearly 60 hours in the chemo room, I can honestly and earnestly say that there were times when all I heard was the sound of this clock's second hand. Trying to keep up with the metronome rhythm in my head, I found umpteen ways to pass the time. Reading, napping, snacking, watching my infusions drip, staring at the clock, chatting and laughing with the chemo nurses, surfing the net, striking up conversation with fellow patients in the room and taking my pole for a walk every couple of hours were my usual habits. And if truth be told, I think we all could use a little down time every few weeks. Really, I think I'm on to something here. Maybe there should be centers where we can check in, at our own will, for let's say, 4-6 hours and be forced to do, well, nothing really. Minus the toxic drugs of course, I believe we could all benefit from some voluntary R & R. I know I did and although looking at this particular clock brings some not-so-fond-memories of my first chemo treatment to the forefront of my mind, staying in the present time is an important reminder that we don't have to be doing everything at once. Note to self.

Throwback Thursday: Chemo Through the Eyes of a Child

To this day, this is one of my fave pics because a) I LUV this kid! b) I ADORE his mom! and c) It speaks volumes of what kids might think about cancer and chemo.

But this young lad Jeremy was no chemo rookie as he had watched his grandma finish her chemo for breast cancer from this very room just 2ish months earlier. He was not allowed in the room for my chemo due to his age but his wonderful mom 'Julie-Bunny' was and she had brought me love and flowers for my first treatment. So instead, Jeremy simply stood at the door and stared at me for numerous minutes with bewilderment and a reluctant wave.

Little did I know, he was asking my partner Hil "What is Yog doing in Grandma's chair?" Not, why is Yog in the chemo room, or did Yog have cancer too, but really, what was I doing in his beloved Grandma Zeb's chair?

Having worked with young children for nearly 30 years now, I get where they're coming from with the looks, the blunt questions and forthright comments "Did you loose your part?" "You have a shiny head." "Don't take your hat off." "Do you have the cancer flu?" "I'm gonna go now."  Kids seem to have a simple yet sophisticated way of getting to the point in a manner that most adults just can't seem to manage. They want to know the facts and nothing but the facts just like Jeremy did. He wasn't interested in my emotional well-being or how I was feeling about my very first chemo treatment. His mom was laughing with me, I clearly had a (fake) smile on my face, and was waving back at him with enthusiasm. Next topic. He simply wanted to know why I was bogarting his grandma's chemo chair. Boom. Done deal.

As I continued to watch Jeremy and Hil with great curiosity, my thoughts were all about the good
ju-ju that I had hoped was in store for me. With my lucky necklace, alkaline water, some spiritual trinkets and feathers, I felt compelled to help Jeremy understand what was going on but simply couldn't because I was tethered to the drugs and my chemo pole. Plus, I figured if this chair brought good fortune to Zeb then I was there to cash in on some of that luck; a chair that I coveted for a year and one that I felt slightly possessive of (I did have to relinquish it a few times - with hesitancy) but I did play nice in the chemo room!

In the meantime, I cherish this precious picture, that day and the sweetest face one could ever hope for during one's very first chemo treatment. Good medicine for sure! So, to that, I say a huge THANK YOU to my little red-headed pal - back atcha buddy!

Going Purple! World Cancer Day

It goes without saying (again), that purple is my fave color. But today, this beautiful color means even more to people like me and all of my breasties, as it is officially World Cancer Day! A day when you can show your support in so many simplistic ways like turning your Facebook and Twitter profiles purple! This alone can raise up to $1 million dollars for the American Cancer Society by going to the Chevrolet website and going purple for a day. I mean, how great is that?! But if you'd rather donate directly to the ACS and know that any amount you donate can make the difference in research for finding cures for cancer and saving lives, then simply donate here!

On a more individual level, which can mean the world to people like me, Lorena, Pammy, Marion, Nicole, Jude, Lisa, Jody, and Jill (some of my fave warriors and some who are in the fight of their lives!), then offer up a more personal touch.

I for one had friends do things like bring dinners to our house when I started eating again (thanks Kristy & Eric!), knit a cap for my cold and bald head (hats off to Kim & Miss O!), drive me to treatment (thanks Deb & Sam), mow our lawn - for a year! (again, many thanks Deb!) sit with me in chemo (LUV to Julie-Bunny, My Angela, Dr. Polito, Zeb, Sydney) and drive me to get a walker (Cheri, you're a rock star).  My list goes on and on so, be creative and make your own list for someone you care about. But most of all, be personal and show someone some extra LUV today! If anything, just pick up the phone to say hi and that you're thinking of them as cancer is a lonely journey.

Well, what'ya waiting for? Join me and millions in going purple today for someone you love in the midst of the battle, young children battling this dreaded disease, someone you lost to cancer and those that will be diagnosed this very day and will have to hear those three words that will change the course of their life forever, "You have cancer."

So, come on - go purple!

Throwback Thursday: Scared As Hell!

The title of this post says it all. And I do, very much so, recall this day of going into the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara for my very first chemo. Smiles as usual, but underneath it all, I was scared out of my head about what was about to go down in my cancer history. Looking back on it today, I have come to realize that not knowing what lie ahead of me was probably a good thing. I mean really, who needs to know that they're about to sit in a chair for nearly 7 hours getting shot up with toxic, yet life-saving chemicals, have a severe allergic reaction to one of the drugs, and then go home to a chemo coma for the next 10 days without recalling hardly anything. Seriously?! Nobody needs to know that. And that my friends, is why ignorance is bliss!

Throwback Thursday: The Art of Doing Nothing

Having spent an excessive amount of time in bed over the past couple of years, I can now say that I truly know what it's like to have some R & R. Not exactly the kind of relaxation that I would recommend to anyone, but it is interesting how one can spend days and hours at a time doing, well, nothing really. I, for one, have always been a gal on the go but when you have no energy and are fighting nausea, the time I lingered here was actually quite peaceful and serene.

I didn't have the mindset or the focus for books or even movies, so I spent much of my time either on my iPad or simply staring out the window looking at the sun and the moon from my second story bedroom. I even began to relish the sound of wind and palm fronds waving back at me while I laid there for sometimes weeks at a time without ever going downstairs. A lot of time, a lot of silence, a lot of nothing.

As you'll see in the background, I made an inspiration board that sat on top of our little dog's crate that I created to remind me of life and people outside of my room and cancer. And when people started sending me tokens of love in the form of pictures, cards and keepsakes, I thought what better way to stay connected to myself and life. I genuinely treasured staring at my board of pictures, inspirational quotes, my past aunt's artwork, spiritual tokens and my dad's ashes in a leather pouch for many minutes at a time. It was often the first thing I looked at in the morning and the last thing I saw at night.  So, when you really think about it, it was time well spent. And in some strange way, I secretly wish for those days again - not of illness but of quietness, stillness and peace.