2012: A Year in Review

Really Facebook?! You know my top '20 Biggest Moments' from 2012?!

This short phrase that has been sitting on my Facebook home page, begging me to click on it for at least 2 weeks, turned out to be a total bust (pun intended). Here I was contemplating over this concept myself, reflecting back on this year while I kept fluffing it off until a few days ago when curiosity got the best of me.  Finally, I went out on a limb and hovered my curser over that darn phrase... held my breath and..... click!

NOTHING! Seriously. Nothing happened! In fact, all that came up was a blank, white page. Where were my top 20 'Biggest Moments?' Did I not have anything of value for 2012 in Facebook's eyes? Was I not worthy of 20 moments? Did I not deserve to know how Facebook judged my life? Hell, they can supposedly tell me who is looking at my profile and timeline, and promised me 20 big moments for 2012 but then gave me only a blank, white page!

All of this huffing, contemplating and internal strife for nada! All of the avoidance of clicking on what Mark Zuckerberg thought were my top 20, biggest moments of 2012, and I get nothing?!  Well $#%!&! you Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg, I've got moments! So, in one last ditch effort, I clicked on that phrase again today and VOILA! Finally, my top 20 moments appeared in a separate timeline. Ex.cept..... there were only 16 and one of them included a shared picture link from a friend who wanted me to see a colorful ad for some gluten-free play doh.

Again, I say to Facebook and to you Mark - REALLY?! Well, I have at least 20 big moments that include more than play doh! In fact, I'll name them right here and now and only keep them to 20 because... well.... I can. And while I think that gluten-free play doh is a really great concept, here are a few notions for your Menlo Park nerds to ponder in your logarithmic minds about my life:

1.   I secured an amazing 'Healing Dream Team' for my health
2.   I wrote 2 grants in my jammies while going through chemo and recovering from major surgery
3.   I made most all of my Christmas gifts this year in between treatments
4.   I helped my nephew chart out his summer plans to work for a minor league baseball team
5.   I helped my pregnant niece figure out what to do for her severe nausea in her first trimester
6.   I endured 6 rounds of chemo in 18 weeks
7.   I returned to work part-time while still going through treatment every 3 weeks
8.   I pulled out of a lymph node biopsy with flying colors
9.   I recovered from a double-mastectomy with stellar strength
10. I recovered from stage I of reconstruction surgery with brut strength and endurance
11. I did laps around the nurses' station in less then 24 hours after both surgeries
12. I returned to seeing a handful of private clients on a weekly basis in between treatments
13. I returned to work 2 weeks after my final reconstruction surgery
14. I wrote a third grant in my jammies just last month
15. I kept up with this blog when there were days when I could barely sit upright
16. I rekindled old friendships
17. I nurtured new and old friendships
18. I kept up with my 'gratitude journal' nearly every night this past year
19. I laughed whenever I could so that I would not cry my eyes out
20. I helped my sweet little doggie cross over to the 'Rainbow Bridge' when I didn't want to let him go

And there you have it Facebook, my top '20 Biggest Moments of 2012!' BOOYAH!! Oh, and Happy New Year to you too!

Merry! Merry!

The holidays came upon us fast along with the second year of being in the throes of the big 'C' yet again. But, that didn't stop the holiday spirit, parties and the neighbor's annual 'Ugly Christmas Sweater' party that we crashed a couple of Saturdays ago. So, in preparation of our week-long holiday celebration and before leaving for family celebrations in Northern California, we made sure that our own home gave a nod to the big man in the red suit and all that goes with it. Between the reindeer and the wrap-fest, it was a good kickoff to Christmas 2012.

First stop up North was my brother-in-law's house in East Bay, where the theme seemed to be games, games games. From Candy Land to a 2 hour game of Cranium for the grown-ups, this stop was full of fun, food and my 3 1/2 year old nephew making comments during our Christmas meal about my missing eyebrows as he pointed out that everyone at the table had eyebrows until he came to me - "....and you... don't have eyebrows!" Followed up with a toddler laugh a mile long, I simply said - "It's called chemo buddy...and I also lost half of my eye lashes too!" Again, he just stared at me, paused and then let out his cute belly laugh.

After finally arriving to my mom's house in Monterey, we took a couple of hours out of our Christmas day to visit my fab cousin Dee and her family (mom to Chris) one canyon over from my mom's house. Within 5 minutes of arriving, that Barker spirit kicked in and next thing you know, we were at their kitchen table for a 90 minute gingerbread house decorating competition to which the comments started flying as we were all trying to one-up and intimidate each other's creative process. In the end, mine and Hil's house, the 'Swiss Chalet,' won the finale from the four off-site judges (AKA, my family). So, next year, we're getting serious with personalized aprons, special tools and a year of Google-ing some top secret, decorative ideas.

And finally, four days of some much needed R & R at my mom's house was as always, full of wonderful family time, movies, laughter, crocheting and amazing food. My mom put on a great holiday as usual, made sure there was a fire in the fireplace, kept the coffee and tea coming and filled the house and my heart full of love.

Herceptin #12: All In a Day's Work

Get in, get my 'pacman medicine' - get out! Well, not exactly that quick, but that's pretty much the routine these days. This process still takes a few hours but we're definitely getting this down to a science. I do my 'good intentions' at the beginning of each treatment, pose for my personal chemo room paparazzi (Hil!) and negotiate with the chemo nursing staff to slow down the drip a little so I can fit in that all important snooze towards the end of the treatment that I feel coming on. And hats off to Socorro for doing an awesome job and getting the right vein the first go-round. It's been a little challenging lately to get that infusion needle in there on the first try, but the Vein-Gods were on my side this time. Whew and thank you!

As usual for Hil, she spent much of her time taking photos, getting me warm blankets and pillows and helping out the other patients. She is so great with elderly people and the other patients and it shows. I'm sure the chemo nursing staff would love to put her on payroll as a 'Chemo Room Concierge' as she's quite good at it.

It was such a beautiful day, that after Herceptin treatment #12 and before my next medical appointment, we headed over to our favorite park in Santa Barbara for some R & R, a little photog fun for Hil and just some much-needed time with Mother Nature. She was good to us this day and showed her sunny and warm side during our break at the park. The ducks were adorable, the leaves on the trees glorious and the grass smelled wonderful. As Hil always reminds me, it's the simple things in life that fill us up and we left the park that day with both of our emotional tanks full.

Next stop in our full day was a follow-up appointment with my lovely and wonderful plastic surgeon, Dr. Julio Soares. As standard procedure (ahem!), I wait for he and Hil to finish their camera, lenses and F-stop convo before he takes a peek at his skillful work on me. They are so funny in their all-consuming chit-chat about this subject but I've become quite used to it after a year. Plus, Dr. Soares was leaving the next day for a two-week trip to India and he had some pressing questions about lighting. But past that, he was quite pleased with my progress and finally admitted that my case was one of the hardest to date. But aside from that, we were all pleased with the outcome and I for one, am forever grateful to him for not only his skillful work but his level of sensitivity and care.

Driving home at last after a full and productive day. I cannot say enough how extremely grateful I am for this day, my progress, my medical peeps, Hil's love and care and a beautiful sunset. Life is indeed, good to me.

One Year Later...

Breast Cancer Phone Stats:  Repeat - NEVER! Alert - NONE! 

What a difference a year makes. Never in my wildest imagination, dreams or nightmares would I have ever thought I would be marking a solid year of breast cancer yet again. And when I reflect back on this past year's events of getting another diagnosis, surgeries, chemo and numerous doctor's appointments, I can still hardly digest it all.  But in contrast and to keep my mind from reeling over the past 12 months, I instead choose to focus my attention elsewhere, and that's with gratitude.

So, here I go as I did in one of my first ever posts last year - my gratitude to my universe of peeps.

I am grateful for my family for their endless love, humor, grace and support that they have given to me through both the highs and lows. They've seen me at my best and at my absolute worst. I couldn't ask for a more loving mom, sister, bro-in law, niece, nephew & 'J.' I am also very grateful to Hil's family for their love, humor and skills (and boy do they have skills!) - thank you Natey-Nate (wickedly funny!), Christine (sister-in-law & pharmacist extraordinaire!), Marcus (Boob engineer), Shawna (Words With Friends champ!) and 'da Mama' & Steve! I'm grateful for my 'Babysitting Posse' (Donna, Kim S., Miss O., Deb, Sam, Dolores, Donna, Maureen, Jack, My Angela, Cheri, Val, Nessa, Dana). I am grateful to new and old friends who supported me to the moon and back, Julie-Bunny, Cath, Susan & Sydney & Cynthia! Wow, you five could run this country! I am uber grateful to my 'Kid Posse' that continues to inspire me through their sweet honesty, beanies, and a 'who cares that you're bald and have cancer' mentality - Miss O., Little Mister Cash (who has finally stopped calling me 'shiny head!'), the Strand boys, Sam, Jack, Kai, Alex, Chloe, Zoe, Maddie, Hannah, Ethan and Eli. I am so very grateful to my 'Work Posse' and THE best boss I have ever had in my life!! Thank you 'Saint Silvia,' Wlady, Rosa, Donna, 'A,' Grace, Crystal, Gaby, Suzanne, Mari, the TCRC ladies and 25 others!  I am grateful for all the dinners provided to us when I could barely tolerate a sugar-free jello cup - so, hats off to the Sanfords, the Clawsons, the Beltrans, the Halls, the Joyce's and VAN (you know who you are!). I am VERY grateful to my 'Cancer Center Posse' for lifting my spirits every couple of weeks from the moment I walk into the building to the time that I leave - so thank you Tammy S., Sam, Joanna, Martha, Martha B., Amber (I miss seeing you!) Amanda, Dr. G., Socorro, and Kimba! You people ROCK! I am grateful for my longterm caregivers who came from near and far (Sweden) and who used their vacation days, sacrificed family time and who gave wholeheartedly to my care - thank you Aleesh, Jane, Denise, Kim & Eric, Mom, Deidre, Mama and the 'Swedes' (Micke, Lollo, Oscar, Johanna!). I am also beyond grateful to my amazing medical 'Healing Dream Team' - Dr. Soares, Dr. Grafton & Dr. Greenwald - they are freaking AWESOME! And lastly, my cup runneth over with gratitude, love and support for Hil. I can't even begin to find a proper word for the level of caregiving I have received from her over this past year. It is a very difficult job to provide caregiving to a cancer patient 24/7. So MWAH and gratitude to her, all of you and many more that I hope my chemo-brain has not forgotten.

And finally, but equally important, I have immense gratitude for my health, my life and my imminent future. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, just right now.

Herceptin #11: BOO!

By now, my new friends at the Cancer Center have learned one thing about me - expect the unexpected. And, never underestimate the power of a little humor as it truly can carry one through difficult and dark times. Hence, the hats for Herceptin treatment #11.

Delightful and humorous, simply said, these hats that neighbor Sam gave me came in handy just in time for not only Halloween, but for the diversion I was looking for 4 days post-reconstruction surgery and for some gnarly pain. And because of that, may I openly and honestly admit that I don't recall much about this day, my treatment or the hats (Thank yoooouuuu Norco 10, Ativan annnnnd Tramadol).

High on life (and apparently pain meds), this treatment went swimmingly well and smooth according to my mom and Hil. And while I value a sharp mind and memory, undeniably, I didn't have much of either for Herceptin #11 or for that entire day for that matter. For all I know, I showed the chemo staff and the room full of my newest, elderly friends, the 'New Girls' (Oh, how I hope that isn't the case!).

And so here's how the day went down according to Hil, my mom and the pictures that I found on the computer just yesterday - a genuine surprise.

First stop, an appointment with my oncologist which was quickly followed up with my Herceptin treatment in the chemo room (again, I only know this because of the pictures you see above that I found on the computer yesterday). Second stop, lunch with Julie-Bunny at her house for some lovely soup (so I hear), great company and stimulating conversation (I recall NO.THING! - Sorry Julie). And my last stop was to my post-surgery appointment where my acute memory (vaguely recalled yesterday) of the conversation the three of us had (subtext: a lecture from Hil and my mom) in the parking lot as we were walking into the medical building to see Dr. Soares. Apparently, it went down something like this:

HIL: Ma, we HAVE to make sure Yog walks in there like she's off her pain meds because the nurse doesn't want her to be on any and will chew her out if she suspects anything!
MY MOM: Okay, what should we do?
HIL: We need to give her more coffee!
MY MOM: Did you hear what Hil said, Yog? Drink the coffee. Quick!
ME: What are we doing here?
HIL: Yog, I'm, serious, stand up straight, don't talk much, open your eyes and act like you're really alert.
MY MOM: Shouldn't she be able to walk in on her own, Hil?
HIL: Yeah. Well, we'll just get her up the ramp to the front door of the building and then have her walk into the office on her own.
MY MOM: Got it. Sounds good. Did you hear that Yog?
ME: Oh yeah. I just love Dr. Soares. He's the best ever!

Stellar performance with Dr. Soares and his nurse - check. And from what I found out yesterday and after looking through all of the pictures, the appointment went very well and the doctor was extremely pleased with the outcome of my reconstruction surgery and recovery.

Moral of this story: Ignorance is bliss.

Goodbye Expanders -Hellllooo New Girls!

Click and Enjoy the Show!
Music: 'Butterflier' from A Movable West

After months of waiting, and watching my original implant due date come and go, I finally welcomed the 'New Girls' on Friday, October 26th! And no, do not expect the pink announcement in the mail giving all the details like "They're twins." "Weighing in at 425cc's." "October 26, 2012 at 7:15am." "Santa Barbara, California.' Nope, not going to happen.

And long gone are the days of the uncomfortable-hard-as-rocks faux breasts from those gnarly expanders that have been in place since last January. And, as luck would have it, I am actually one of the first patients in Santa Barbara to receive the new FDA gel-filled breast implants with the new outer casing and durability. Feeling like a true breast cancer patient pioneer!

I know, I know, a bit of an 'overshare' on my part but hey, the days of being timid about the 'Girls' are so over. But, I've had every doctor, nurse, intern, surgeon and friend take a peak at my front side over the last year, so by now, the subject is clearly no longer taboo for me. A little nip and tuck here, liposuction there to even them out, half a foot of stitches there and 2 hours later - VOILA!

But all kidding aside, I once again had an entire team of medical staff and family by my side to see me through this next step in the journey. Both nurses Barbara and Joe, were at my bedside yet again as they were for the double mastectomy surgery. Mindy, the surgical nurse was again cracking us all up with her hilarious jokes and iPhone pics of past Halloween costumes. Dr. Soares, surgeon extraordinaire, who was by my side gently holding onto my arm,  promised me and the nurses that he did his morning 'Surgical Zen ritual' and that he was completely prepared for my procedure.

And last, but definitely NOT least, was the loving presence of Hil and my mom by me every step of the way that Friday. Snapping pictures, holding my hand, helping me get into a good space with releasing, breathing and meditation, both walked by my side as I was wheeled into the surgery room. I couldn't have done it, or would have had it any other way. I thank them both with all my love for the purest form of love and care that anyone could ever hope to have.

So, as usual, I went in with my "See ya in 2 minutes" philosophy and with my dad's Two Feathers in hand, along with my chanting music playing on my iPod; all was well and all went well. I thank my family, friends, neighbors and co-workers for all your prayers, good wishes, jokes and love. It really does make a difference in my life.

P.S. Special thanks to 'Julie-Bunny' for bringing mom and Hil S.Bux and goodies to the waiting room. MWAH!

Pre-Op, Post-Op: It's All Good!

To digress slightly, there have been some medical appointments as of late that have seemingly come in a pack of 3 - like socks, iTune gift cards and a really nice set of pens.

Doctors, follow-up appointments, pre-op surgical consultations and the post-chemo early Herceptin Echocardiogram to make sure the 'ol ticker is still in good shape has been on the menu. A cornucopia (excuse the Fall, but timely reference), of all-important appointments in the land of cancer and surgery.

First stop, Dr. Grafton, my general surgeon, whom I see every 3 months for the post-mastectomy show-and-tell where she inevitably brings another professional into the room to say the predictable "See, isn't this wonderful? Look at that!" And she doesn't, at all, do this out of the need to boast or brag about her uber-surgeon-skillful-work but rather, to connect with her patients and show her sensitivity towards the aftermath of a double-mastectomy. And also as usual for her was the mid-sentence conversation we had the second she walked through the door - "So, I just came home at 1:00 this morning, guys because I had to go back East on a college tour for my oldest..." aaannnnd we're off! Accompanying her was my 'Nurse Navigator' (I do not make these titles up!) whom I call my 'Nurse GPS' - Tammy Stockero from the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara (LUV her!!) who happened to be in Dr. Grafton's office so she popped in on the post-mastectomy-surgical-party! 20 minutes later, we were all laughing, joking and hugging-it-out and forgetting all about the Big C!

Next stop, was my pre-op final breast reconstruction appointment with the ever-talented Dr. Julio Soares, plastic surgeon. Yep, the time has fallen upon me as I'm going in to get these #$%&!# breast expanders and magnet ports removed once and for all and to have the new FDA approved breast implants, AKA, the 'New Girls' (which I've already named), take up residence in my post-mastectomy chest. FDA regulated this, 425cc's that, skin sparing this, blah, blah surgical-talk blah. BUT....the silver lining (yes, that's how I'm calling it) is that this is my final surgery and BOOOONUUUSSS.... I got thrown in a complimentary Latisse eyelash prescription treatment (my other choice was Botox - noooo thanks!) to help these chemo affected eyelashes grow and thicken. But in all seriousness, my appointment with Dr. Soares goes as it always does - with sensitivity, kindness, respect and a heart-to-heart about the breast cancer journey. And as always, Dr. Soares and Hil get into a deep but enthusiastic convo about cameras, lenses, lighting, megapixels, filters and the like, all the while I stand there getting my breasts measured with some cold metal instrument as he declares my numbers for the nurse to record. AHEM.... helllllooo people, I'm in a gown, with it opened in the front - can we move the Canon 60D dialogue along and out into the hallway?! Yeah, thanks!

Last stop, was my post-chemo, 6-month cardiac follow-up with my previous technician Kim who loves to distract my wooshy doppler ultrasound experience with stories about her teenage daughter and the challenges of pubescent technology and the lack of face-to-face communication (and I thought breast cancer was a challenge? - ha!). But, 30 minutes later, she said I had a "beautiful heart" and that there was absolutely nothing for me to be concerned about. So, we bid each other adieu with a "See ya in 6 months!" and that was that. But, all in all, it was good to know that the Herceptin hasn't done a thing to my favorite bodily organ! And in fact, laying in the dim light on a massage-like table was kind of like taking a mid-afternoon nap which apparently me and my heart needed.


In the end, I hope to marvel at the new me. Walk proud. Be courageous in all matters of importance and carry on as if this were a tiny blip on the radar screen of my life. Can I hear a big Woot! Woot! please?!