Why I Cry?

Me & Kathy Ireland

Unexpectedly, this fundraising breast cancer event threw me for an emotional loop and I felt as if I needed a life raft the second I met the sponsor's daughter, Kathy Ireland. With my initial intention of simply thanking both she and her mom for such a wonderful event and cause - The Barbara Ireland Walk for Breast Cancer Research, I barely uttered my name to Ms. Ireland when I felt tears starting to roll down my cheeks. "Hello Kathy, my name is Dee Anne and..... (oye, here come the tears!)....thank you so much to you and your mom for this wonderful event....(damn, more tears!)... so sorry....I'm crying... please, if you could just tell your mom thank you....(geeze, more tears?!).... I was diagnosed with my 3rd breast cancer a year and a half ago (Really?! More tears?)..... and....." (thank goodness, she started to speak so I could get it together!) "How are you doing?" she asked with a very present and compassionate look. "I'm OK, thank you. Again, if you could please thank your mom on my behalf....(freakin' tears!)... and thanks to you too." We hugged, stared at each other's faces and eyes for a few extra seconds, hugged again, snapped a quick pic and then parted ways.

Ah! Why did I cry? Not like I was diagnosed yesterday....unexpectedly....for the first time. This was round freakin' 3 of the 'Big C!' What was wrong with me? Get over it, I thought! But my emotions were colliding inside of me like the perfect storm.

But really, what is there to get over? Will I ever be over this crazy disease? I feel forever changed and like a fish out of water. I don't know up from down sometimes. What's normal? How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to act? What do I say for the 1000th time when someone asks how I'm doing but I can tell doesn't really want to hear about it because it's too painful for them. Oh, I'm so tired of saying how tired I am. Should I minimize my feelings to spare others instead? Or, do I just say that I'm feeling great and beyond excited that I'm finishing my treatment next month as everyone expects me to say, even though I'm not? But I kind of am. But not really. I'm just not so sure how I feel.

All I know is that there are some damn good people in this world like Kathy Ireland, her mom Barbara, our friends Sydney and Susan who we went out to cheer for this morning and all of the other walkers with their pink shirts on, bald heads and 'Team Jani' on the back of a group of black shirts.

I cry for me. I cry for them. I cry for the ladies (and men) who will be diagnosed on Monday. I cry for the 39,000 plus woman (and men) who will die from breast cancer this year alone. I cry for Lisa Lynch,  a woman whom I've never met but one who took her angel wings on Monday in her 30's after being diagnosed at age 28. I cry for my Aunt Charlotte and my Aunt Henrietta. I cry for Gammy, my partner's sweet grandmother. I cry for Kelly and all of the 'Angel Girls' that all passed away in their 30's when I was first diagnosed at 31 myself.

But as I shed my tears, I also salute the many warriors and organizations determined to find a cure like the Barbara Ireland Walk for Breast Cancer Research. I celebrate Ann Marie of Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer who refuses to stay silent and hide her pictures of her scars on her Facebook page. I honor the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara and all of my 'Purple Angels,' staff, nurses and Dr. G. I applaud the Busted Foundation for their fundraising efforts to support breast cancer patients. I bow to TalkAboutHealth for their online support to help people like me.   I praise too many people to list here but whom I will try to mention and honor as time passes.

So that's why I cry! So what. Let's just find a cure!

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